I am very pleased to say I now have a job. I am excited and a little scared at the same time. Since my last job Depression has been a little rough on me. Still climbing out but I see the light again and am thankful to see it.
I get to clean dishes all day, my kind of work.
there are moments in our lives where a certain point in time triggers a memory, some are memories we want to forget and others are ones we want to rrluve over and over again. these past few days I have been triggered to remember some of my happiest moments in my life. memories from my childhood and early adulthood.
I am thankful for these memories, the good and the bad. they make us who we are.
i honestly have no idea what I am going to do tomorrow, next week or next month. but I know for today, I am going to relax and see where the wind takes me. if it takes me outside my comfort zone then that’s where I will be, if it’s inside crawled into bed then that’s OK, if I end up back in a hospital then that’s OK too. as long as I keep my self is a positive state and listen to myself then life will be good for another day, and that’s all we have. just one more day.
i would love to move back to Silverdale and continue my life there but for now, I know I need to recenter myself and get back into a routine. i know for a fact my cat is happier here in Lynnwood having more room to run around in compared to a small apartment. not only do I have to look out for what’s best for me, but also what’s best for a furball.
will I stay in Lynnwood or will I be moving back to Silverdale in a few months? i have no clue, but for now my plan is one day at a time.
today I cleaned the fish pond, what I mean by clean…I mean dumped all the water out and lifted out the plastic body and cleaned it. now my back is sore and my mind is peaceful. sometimes you just have to do some serious manual labour to put your mind in a good spot.
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.
I honestly have no clue where tomorrow will take me. In the past 6 months I have learned so many things. Good relationships take time and effort, and if one person is putting their all in and the other is not then the relationship will fail. After months of being torn down and emotionally manipulated I have learned to keep my guard up but keep my heart open for those who deserve to see the life and love I have to offer.
Sadly I hit rock bottom a few weeks ago, became suicidal and was lost in my own head. My demons tore me apart and left me to pick up each piece one by one for weeks now. Staying in lynnwood will help but I know my heart is in Silverdale, I have to wait until my parents to come back from their trip. Sadly mg step brother Greg committed suicide and he was like me, bipolar with bad depression. It was a shock to the whole family, sadly I know those demons he was facing in the end, demons that some deal with on a daily basis. All I know is I am doing better, no thoughts of cutting myself or ending my life. I have also gone off my medications for the past 2 weeks and have not had a single bad thought. I have no idea why or how but i have a feeling there is something my inner self/soul wants me to work on without any outside help.
I am interestingly enough thankful for a game called ingress for getting me outside each day even when the demons were tearing me up and trashing my soul.
I am alright, each day is more beautiful than the last and I am thankful for each moment that I get to breathe in.
i found this and thought i would share it, i shall do this when i have a bad day
when my mood is low i shall open a letter or card to myself reminding me shit happens and it will end soon. every rainy day is followed by sunshine.
being stable does not mean you are not going to be triggered once in a while. today i was triggered by something my girlfriend say not knowing “snap out of it” would change the mood and i guess this is a trigger i need to work on. i am not perfect, i will have my downs but i know i will rise back up again and that my girlfriend will be there when i need her. i have a good support system to help me when i ask for it. i let her know that what she said was a trigger and we talked about why it was.
let your loved ones know what your triggers are, and if something triggers you write it down and figure out how to manage it.
i had no idea i was manic when i was manic when i was unstable, nor did i know that i was depressed and that i was depressed and that telling my mother to fuck off daily was not me but the darkness/depression owning me. now i notice i am either about to drop it into light speed and be more energetic/faster than a squirrel on caffeine or i am dropping below the line and heading to fuck this town/sleep in bed all day. it is truly amazing the small things you see about your mental state at that very second you start to fall off the line/being stable.
when i was unstable/manic/depressed i had no clue what was going on around me. when i was manic i had energy that even a squirrel would be like “someone needs meds” and everything was awesome. the leaves on the ground were so beautiful, the voices in my head were saying “you can do anything” and i listened like i thought i should have. but when depression came along, those happy/positive voices went on vacation and the darker voices came to town. lying in bed, sleeping the days away and when i was awake, the voices would say “do it…do it today….no one is going to miss you” trying to convince me to take my own life. i hated life, hated nice clothes, did not want to work, told my mother to take a hike a few times, but that was not me and i had no idea it was not me.
ever since september of 2013 i have been striving to better my mental health so i can live a happier life. it was not an easy path to walk down nor did i run, i had to take my time and occasionally sit down or take a few steps back. walking down the path to stability is not a cake walk despite what “normal” people think; it took me time/therapy/medication adjustments/medication changes to finally get to the point on my path that i can notice i have changed. i did it and i still have to keep up the medications to stay stable/zenful so i can continue moving forward in my life.
a body at rest tends to stay at rest, while a body in motion tends to stay in motion.